Memories Fade

Recently, my mother has been experiencing moments of forgetfulness. Last week she commented about a certain meal that I have made for her several times through the years. She said, "Oh, honey...I never knew you made that before!"

I tried to tell her that I had made it for her just last week, but it didn't do any good. She could not remember. All she remembered is that she used to make the same thing when she was younger, but that she didn't know that I made it too.

Later that week, she left the cold water running for awhile before I found that it was on.

I have since then found out that Mom is starting to show some very early signs of dementia. She is 81 years old and her doctor says that she has earned the right to be a "little" forgetful.

It pains me when she experiences these moments as it is a clear sign that she is not as young as she used to be and that health conditions have been a contributing factor.

Many are going through great difficulties and there are some who wish their loved ones could just remember their name or that they are their son or daughter, etc.

Everyday is a blessing! Everyday I have Mom is a precious gift. I will cherish everyone and hold her closely even if her memory fades.

Merry Christmas-NEVER!!!

My experience with Christmas has been difficult. It is sad that such darkness can be experienced in the Season meant for LIGHT. Christmas was never meant to be this way. It was the SEASON of LOVE. The love of God to man.

It has been replaced by stress and heartache, coveting, envy, and greed. Oh, the greediness that is easily seen as many push and shove others in their attempt to get the biggest, brightest, and best gifts.

For many; kindness has gone. Hope, too. And if you look around you will see that there are many faces in which there is deep pain.

__________ won't be coming home this year. __________ will not be sitting at their place at the table anymore. __________ is missing from the arms of a young mother. _____________ grandparent has gone to be with the Lord. __________ is out on the battlefield wishing there was peace. ___________ lays across her bed weeping for her lost love...

Death, rejection, abandonment, poverty, suicide, hatred, greed, lust, selfishness, disease, distress, discouragement, unemployment, lost health insurance, insecurity....and on and on and on the list goes.

For many it is the campaign to remove Jesus Christ from history completely. Christ is the very reason we even have this holiday to celebrate!

Jesus is the hope for every situation a person could ever face. Therefore, if evil men and women are successfull in removing Christ from Christmas it will most assuredly result in a...Merry Christmas-NEVER!

Monday Blues

I don't want to wake, so I pull the covers over my head and close my eyes tighter to the morning sun. NO! Every nerve within cries out for more rest. My aching body just wants to lay there for a few more...

Weekend over? Where did it go?

Monday... hmmph!

I toss, I turn, I think and think and think...

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!

It would be grand if we could just say...

I don't do Monday's!

The Dark Night of Grief

I will never forget that night. It stands out in my memory more than any other night that I journeyed through the process of losing a loved one.

The services had ended, the last of the people had gone, the smell of flowers hung in the air like a thick fog, and I felt so alone. I was lonlier than I had ever known.

Laying upon my bed, I drew my knees up in a fetal position and wept, "Oh, Daddy!"....He's gone...My Daddy's gone. My mind whirled around with pictures of him and memories of the times we had spent together.

As I lay there the sobs became harder and finally my mouth gaped open and I wailed out of the depths of my spirit for the loss of my father.

There was none of this earth that could comfort me. I realized in that time frame just what God meant by the word "seperation". The pain of it was so difficult to bear. I knew that I would never be able to have the presence of my father in this life again.

My husband came to me and wrapped his loving arms tightly around me and held me as my whole body convulsed with sobs. Even knowing his love reached out to comfort me...no earthly comfort came.

Then...somewhere in the midst of the longest, darkest night of griefs journey; I felt the love of the Comforter cradle me until at last I felt asleep.

"OUCH, Mamaw it hurts!"

Last week my granddaughter came to spend the night. As she sat on my lap she showed me that on her right big toe was a hangnail. I told her that I could take care of it for her and she would not have anymore pain. That was ok until I brought out my shiny clippers and headed towards that toe. All of a sudden she began to squirm and I had not even gotten close to her.

I reassured her that I would be careful and try very hard not to hurt her worse than what the hangnail had and that she would be much better once I cut it off.

She let me procede and just as I barely touched her toe she cried out, "OUCH Mamaw it hurts!

I told her that it would only take a second and her pain would end. She let me continue until I got the hangnail removed and then she smiled, jumped down and began to play again...."Pain Free!"

Sometimes this is what God has to do for us. Our lives may sometimes have the minor pain of a hangnail or greater pain than we are able to bear. But He lovingly takes us into his arms and administers the cutting away of that pain. Sometimes it is immediate and sometimes it is a process. We are just like little children and squirm and fear. We pull away from Him and make the process even take longer sometimes, but He is a patient Father.

When at last the work is finished we too will look up to Him in love and thanksgiving and we will be able to enjoy life again.

Who Cares?

I am learning through the years that there are very few people out there who aren't consumed with their own selfish intersests that they could actually and genuinely care.
I am so tired of all the niceties of good, kind, well-meaning churchie folk who walk around asking so many questions about your family just so they can go tell every morsel to their gossip hungry friends.
I am fed up with people looking on my life as if I am so less than them that they go by wagging their heads and their tongues at my expense.
Really! Over the years I have sucked it up, cried alone, prayed to God to forgive me for not having kinder thoughts towards them when maybe I never should have wasted one moments breath in their behalf.
Tough? Bitter?
You go ahead and judge whatever you want to. You will anyway!
I know that there are very few who really care.Unless it is about them.Yes....I started this blog and entitled it Petals in Pain. If you cannot feel the pain inside of me today then you are dead!
If you loved me....you would care!
I have given my life in sacrifice to many and held them when they needed it. I am finding there are very few who go out of their way to offer even the slightest gesture of care when I am the one who suffers.

So....I am understanding more and more what Jesus meant about when others forsake you...the Lord will take you up. He will be closer than a brother. He will never leave or forsake.Who cares?....Jesus!

Grandparents in Pain

It is so amazing how much affects Grandparents. Divorce is just one.Divorce is a terrible thing for us where grandchildren are involved. The pain is horrific!

Floods of memories of happy days gone by are forever lost. Not just with the grandchildren but also the family unit as a whole. No one wins in a divorce. There are years of loss. It is all too familiar with us. We have suffered so much. We have been thrown into court only to watch those who we loved dearly attack our child as

if they were less deserving of life than they were. We had to set and listen to terrible unkindnesses that were suffered along the way...which were probably asked for forgiveness for... but soon that is forgotten and years of wrath spill out when it may benefit the angry spouse. And in the mix you see that the perfect child you raised is not so perfect and you grieve at things brought out that you should never have heard...whether true or not. Somewhere in the whole thing the children get lost. They become.."MY Child" instead of ours. They have no rights. They have no choices. They have to go where the court says. They don't get to choose to have a parent there everyday and everynight like they were born to have. They don't get to choose to be in their grandparents lives forever...because once a divorce is final....most disgruntled spouses go on a power trip and they suddenly control whether the child sees or doesn't see the grandparent anymore. Forgetting that most grandparents love deeply and have a little more wisdom than to try to bring more hurt into the child's life by focusing on the negatives. Most grandparents would find time doing fun things with them and loving them and bring healing to their brokeness through love. Now the court decides whether grandparents have rights or not. We grandparents have to learn to live outside the loop. We gather bits of information from anyone who knows anything...cherishing every bit...holding onto every little piece until the next one comes. We miss out on great times, on birthdays, holidays, and special occasions. We hope that somehow we will get to see a picture or see them in town or something. Always looking through the masses for....hope. Tomorrow...another day at court. On a special graduation day.....and we are caught in a difficult place. We cannot be at both. We are left hoping that we make the best decision for all. There are so many more volumes that could be written on this subject alone, but I will end this here. If you are a Grandparent in pain, you are not alone.